4 Must-Haves in a Good Apology 😔

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “True love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Whoever wrote it certainly wasn’t married.

Or in any kind of a deeply connected interpersonal relationship, for that matter.

If there’s one thing every solid relationship has in common, it’s that at some point one of you will have to apologize for something.

Because we’re all human and we all mess up.

On some level, the messing up part is inevitable, but a lot of people skip the apology part.

If you’ve ever parented young kids, you’re well-acquainted with apologies. You’re also well-acquainted with the half-baked apology.

The one where you ask the offender to say sorry to their sibling and they huff out a snarky ‘sorry’ while rolling their eyes.

Not at all what you had in mind, right?

This became such an issue for us that we actually instituted 4 rules for our kids when apologizing. In our house, any apology has to have all 4 steps. And while it started as a good way to help our kids apologize well, it has served as healthy guidelines when apologizing as an adult, too.

Step 1: “This is what I did” – This is simply acknowledging exactly what you did to the person you hurt.

Sounds simple, right? Almost too simple…

But it’s such a critical step. It causes the offender to honestly admit what they did. By admitting the offense it puts everyone on the same page. The offender isn’t taking a defensive posture or justifying bad behavior. They’re admitting exactly what they did.

Step 2: “This is how it hurt you” – Acknowledging how your behavior made someone else feel is incredibly healing to a relationship. For example, “When I forgot your birthday, you must have felt completely disregarded and even unloved.” It allows the person who’s been hurt to feel seen and acknowledged. I think this is the main piece of working toward reconciliation….admitting how your behavior made someone feel. And acknowledging that what they experienced was probably very painful.

Step 3: “I’m truly sorry” – This is where you get to simply say, “I’m sorry…’ not flippantly, or under your breath. But a heartfelt admission of wrong-doing that shows the offended party that you regret your behavior. If you could do it over, you’d do it differently.

Step 4: “I won’t do it again” – The final step in the process…”I won’t make this mistake again.” The focus now shifts to the future. This statement goes a long way to building trust back in the relationship. It says to the offended person that you acknowledge what you did and how it made them feel, and you want to be different…better in the future.

Admitting you were wrong is never easy. But it’s a part of being a mature person who is sensitive to the feelings of others. The next time you are in the wrong, following these 4 steps will go a long way toward ushering in reconciliation with those around you.