Advice For a Struggling Marriage

(Let me pause and clarify that this article is for those struggling with typical marriage problems. If you are in a situation where you are being abused in any way, you need to separate yourself from the situation and get help immediately. You should not stay in the presence of someone who is abusive. Ever.)

Every marriage struggles.

People in long-term marriages typically go through phases where they seriously question whether they want to stay married. If you’re wrestling with these feelings, your situation isn’t abnormal…it’s quite normal.

So how should you respond to those feelings?

I get asked this question a lot and I always answer the same way: Revelation 2:4-5.

“​​But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first! Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first. If you don’t repent, I will come and remove your lampstand from its place among the churches.”

From these verses, we get 3 action steps couples can take to help a struggling marriage.

Remember
Repent
Return

1. Remember:

Go back in your mind to when you two were falling in love.

Remember when you would still get dressed up for each other? When you’d get butterflies in your stomach before a date? You were patient and kind in conversation?

Why is it that as the years go by we stop doing those things? It’s so easy to fall into unhealthy patterns where we stop “trying” in our marriages.

ACTION STEP: Have a date night once a week or so. Wear a nice outfit, maybe some perfume/cologne. Go to a restaurant where you don’t shout your order into a speaker from your car.

Date each other again! Remember what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place. Share with each other your memories of the first time you met, or your first kiss. Go down memory lane and allow those memories to help bring healing to your relationship.

2. Repent:

If you’re struggling to get along, you’ve probably said a few things you regret. Or maybe you’re guilty of neglecting your spouse (Do you spend more time on your phone than with your significant other?). If you’re going to move forward and heal, you both need to repent from the ways you’ve hurt or disappointed each other.

ACTION STEP: On one of your date nights, take some time and ask for forgiveness for the things that make you feel guilty. Express that you’re very sorry for how you’ve hurt your spouse, and that you commit never to do those things again.

This isn’t the time to bring up past ways they’ve hurt you. They might not ask for forgiveness for all the ways they’ve hurt you. Give them grace and give them time. This won’t be the last time you offer apologies to one another.

3.Return

One of the best pieces of marriage advice I’ve ever heard is this simple phrase: “Just keep going home.” After the day is over, return home. Return to your spouse. Return to your family. Return to your commitment to your vows.

The temptation to leave can be strong when things aren’t going well. It just feels like you’d be happier outside of your marriage.

Research indicates that people who stay married through seasons of struggle are happier than those who don’t. A study was done on couples who were reportedly unhappy in their marriage (they ranked their satisfaction a 1 or 2 on a scale of 7). After five years, of the couples who stuck it out, 66% said they found happiness again. Comparatively, only 19% of those who were divorced said they were happy five years later. (Waite, Linda & Gallagher, Maggie. [2000]. The Case for Marriage. Contemporary Sociology. 30. 10.2307/3088984.)

The grass isn’t always greener after a divorce.

ACTION STEP: Find a way to reaffirm your commitment to sticking it out in marriage. Write out your commitment in your journal. Have a simple vow renewal ceremony with your spouse (nothing fancy, you could do this at home with just the two of you).

I know a couple who both got tattoos to reaffirm their commitment to one another!

You don’t have to go to that extreme, but do something tangible that will make the statement, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m committed.”

It can be so difficult to resist the forces that will pull apart a marriage. But in the end, I believe you’ll be so grateful you did.